God Will

I don't remember now what the conflict was.  But I do remember it was a seemingly unscalable, impassable mountain in my relationship with my husband.  I'm guessing that conflict took place somewhere in the 15th-25th year of our marriage.  It wasn't even close to being the first conflict of that level, intensity, and insurmountability.  It certainly wouldn't be the last.  Or the longest.  Or the worst.  But I was undone -- completely.

I saw no way out, around or through.  My husband exited the room -- or the house --and I slid down the wall in a heap on the floor, weeping, flinging my broken heart and intractable husband at the feet of God, crying out for grace.

Quietly, from a still place deep within/beyond me, came words and music, and I began to sing:

"God will make a way where there seems to be no way.  
He works in ways we cannot see---He will make a way for me.   
He will be my guide, Hold me closely to His side.  
With love and strength for each new day 
He will make a way, He will make a way."

I sang the lyrics once, twice, four times, then stood to my feet in that spot with a quieted heart.  I knew that God had seen, heard, and answered.   I would wait with a heart that trusted Him, to see what He would do.
All the rest of that day, and throughout the several days that followed, I sang and hummed that song.  No matter what other activity I was involved in, I could hear the words and melody:

"God will make a way where there seems to be no way.
He works in ways we cannot see -- He will make a way for me.."


God did make a way where there seemed to be no way.  As He had done many times before and would do many times again in my relationship with my husband.




Thank You, Don Moen and Integrity Music for giving me -- and multitudes of other people over the past three? decades -- so many songs that have taught us how to praise God through song, have ushered us into God's presence and embedded His truths in our heart.

So MANY songs have so greatly enriched my walk with God over the years...bringing hope, healing, thanksgiving, praise, intercession and joy -- more stories to tell later.  I am so grateful for the ability to hear and to sing, so grateful for the wonderful gift of music.

Surrender My Demand For Life on My Terms?

I was a little glad when I got back to civilization/internet access, and saw that I had missed Amber's assignment of writing about surrender.  After 45 years of relationship with the God of the universe I had  many experiences which I had characterized as surrender, but the last five years held so much skepticism and unbelief on my part that I doubted my ability to remember and separate just one example from my tangled ball of experience.  "Whew!  I can excuse myself from that assignment", I thought.

But promises I'd made to myself and years of placing my heart's desires before God joined to become a quietly insistent voice that I discipline myself to add another, older perspective to the fresh accounts  already told in and attached to Amber's blog.  I went to my bookshelves to pull Catherine Marshall'sbooks and find where she had written about relinquishment in a way that had imprinted inself into both my daily experience and long term memory.

You young women have likely heard of Catherine Marshall only, if at all, as the author of Christy, a winsome story of a young teacher's first years living and teaching in a southern Appalachian mountain community which was made into a movie decades ago.  Those of you who are enjoying "Redeeming Love" will probably enjoy Christy.  Catherine Marshall has written numerous easy to read non-fiction books, which I heartily recommend to you, detailing her "own search for a meaningful life, a practical faith, and a closer relationship with God."  I have on my shelves: To Live Again, Beyond Ourselves, Something More, Meeting God at Every Turn, The Helper, and Mr. Jones Meet the Master (this last book was Catherine's first, a written compilation of some of her first husband's sermons, published after his death.)

In Beyond Ourselves, Catherine writes about the Prayer of Relinquishment:

"I got my first glimpse of it in the fall of 1943.  The illness that I have mentioned before... had kept me in bed for many months.  A bevy of specialists seemed unable to help.  Persistent prayer, using all the faith I could muster, had resulted in -- nothing.


One afternoon a pamphlet was put in my hand.  It was the story of a missionary who had been an invalid for eight years.  Constantly she had prayed that God would make her well, so that she might do His work.  Finally, worn out with futile petition, she prayed, 'All right.  I give up.  If you want me to be an invalid for the rest of my days, that's Your business.  Anyway, I've discovered that I want You even more than I want health.  You decide.'  The pamphlet said that within two weeks the woman was out of bed, completely well.


This made no sense to me.  It seemed too pat.  Yet I could not forget the story.....I came to the same point of abject acceptance.  'I'm tired of asking' was the burden of my prayer.  'I'm beaten, finished.  God You decide what you want for me the rest of my life...'  Tears flowed.  I had no faith as I understood faith.  I expected nothing.  The gift of my sick self was made with no trace of graciousness.


The result was as if windows had opened in heaven; as if some dynamo of heavenly power had begun flowing, flowing into me.  From that moment my recovery began.


Through this incident and others...God was trying to teach me something important about prayer.... I got only part of the message.  I saw that the demanding spirit - 'God, I must have thus and so; God this is what I want you to do for me' - is not real prayer and hence receives no answer.  I understood that the reason for this is that God absolutely refuses to violate our free will and ...unless self-will is voluntarily given up, even God cannot move to answer prayer."


Catherine Marshall relates two more accounts of a prayer of relinquishment from the lives of others, then writes:

"Larry's story and Una's have several points in common.  In each case, the mother wanted the same thing desperately -- life and health for her child.  Each mother commanded God to answer her prayer.  While the demanding spirit had the upper hand, God seemed remote, uapproachable


Then, through a combination of the obvious futility of the demanding prayer plus weariness of body and spirit, the mother surrendered to the possibility of what she feared most.  At that instant there came a turning point.  Suddenly and inexplicably fear left and the feeling of lightness ad joy that had nothing to do with outer circumstances.  This marked the turning point.  From that moment the prayer began to be answered.  


...We know that fear blocks prayer.  Fear is a barrier erected between us and God, so that His power cannot get through to us.  So -- how does one get rid of fear?


This is not easy when the life of someone dear hangs in the balance, or when what we want most in all the world seems to be slipping away.  At such times, every emotion, every passion, is tied up in the dread that what we fear most is about to come upon us.  Obviously only strong measures can deal with such a powerful fear.  My experience has been that trying to overcome it by turning one's thoughts to the positive or by repeating affirmations is not potent enough.


...Jesus is saying: 'Admit the possibility of what you fear most.  And lo, as you stop fleeing, as you force yourself to walk up to the fear, as you look it full in the face, never forgetting that God and His power are still the supreme reality, the fear evaporates.'  Drastic? Yes.  But effective.


One point about the Prayer of Relinquishment puzzled me for many years.  There seemed to be a contradiction between the Prayer of Faith and that of relinquishment.  If relinquishment is real, the one praying must be willing to receive or not receive his heart's desire.  But that state of mind scarcely seems to exhibit the faith that knows that one's request will be granted...


Now I believe I have the explanation...Once I thought that faith was believing this or that specific thing in my mind with never a doubt.  Now I know that faith is nothing more or less than actively trusting God...."


Actively trusting God - and being willing to have my understanding of who He is corrected in the process -  is still a curriculum that challenges me greatly even after 45 years.  I have, at various times, surrendered my children, my husband, my life, my marriage, my possessions, my lifestyle, my time and our future to the GOD whom I had found to be GOODNESS and LOVE through and through.  I have practiced on a regular basis the voluntary surrender of my rights modeled by Jesus and described in Philippians 2.  But I have also strongly resisted surrendering MY DEMAND FOR LIFE ON MY TERMS many  times - and the older I am the more I recognize the undercover resistance movement in my actions and choices of the past.  

Unpacked, Falling Asleep, and Grateful

David, Mom and I took a red eye flight from Anchorage to Houston to Tampa last night after spending 10 days exploring Alaska, enjoying the scenery and wildlife and COOLNESS and many great meals.  As ususal, I took bunches of photos - until I inadvertently smashed our camera against a table and bent the lens.   This  sunset view is from our lodge, north of Talkeetna.

We took a flight seeing Mt. McKinley tour with Sheldon Air Service and landed on Eldridge or Etheridge glacier for a few minutes of taking it all in.  A real treat.

Mom and I stopped to examine so many different kinds of lichen and mushrooms whenever we were out walking.  I have no idea what this type is or even if it IS lichen or mushroom...these were like flexible rubber cups.

These guys/gals were really enjoying their lazy afternoon of sunning in Resurrection Bay/Kenai Fjords.

I'll try to post some more photos on the Temple site later.  No sleep last night...must turn in soon.

Multitude Monday: Tasting Joy

The overcast morning with periodic sprinkles, spits, and spasms of rain made me reconsider a solitary bike ride to the beach.  While the gray sky and light rain part are perfect for the soul that is drying around the edges and feeling the need for outdoor solitude, the spasms of rain are not only uncomfortable but also downright dangerous to a cyclist on a road where drivers are already often more engrossed with the scenery than the bike lane occupant on their right.  

So instead, after a brief survey of the back yard I grabbed garden gloves and branch cutters, climbed the ladder and tackled the overgrown bougainvillea.  A few minutes of battling physical thorns should provide the space my mind needed to unkink and stretch....and savor gratitude moments, tasting the joy once again :

36.  for the empty, lid-less plastic jar near the front door. signalling much recent bug and lizard catching activity

37.  for the 3 year old suddenly dashing out the front door and who, when questioned, announces "I'm going to let the lizard go so he won't die"....

38.  for the sunset so wide both in color range and height that I had difficulty keeping my eyes facing forward, eastward on the road in front of me, instead of staring in my rear view mirror


39.  for the gift of a morning walk in the park accompanied by sunlight AND a gentle rain


40.  for the 5 year old boy so entranced by the stories and people of The Chronicles of Narnia that he peppers his conversation with character exploits and Narnia trivia questions

41.  for the severely raw throat I garnered as consequence of screaming in rage at my husband of 35 years (I am all for mining the gold of natural consequences - in my life or others)


42. for a reliable, safe, "kiwi green" car to drive 


43.  with effective A/C 


44.  and a bike rack on top


45.  and flexible seating and storage 


46.  and plastic, not carpeted floors, 


47.  for vacuuming out sand from the beach that stuck to small feet


47.  after a morning of play at beach and park


48.  for the playground merry-go-round - an "old-time" treasure 


49.  amidst challenging play structures


50.  and climbing rocks


51.  on a playground shaded by moss-covered oaks


52.  peopled by active day-campers playing capture the flag


53.  and kind middle school girls who don't retreat from the "social strange-ness" of P,


54.  who invite her to conversation and a moment of inclusion.


55.  for sauteed spinach 


56.  and portobello mushrooms


57.  and onions and ham


58.  folded into egg and white omelet 


59.  with swiss and fat-free feta cheese


60.  for a "savor every bite"  sunday morning breakfast


61.  for 4 month old boy who now snuggles up close, wrapping his arms so his hands grip the sides of my chest 


62.  and who stays quietly content wrapped just so, while I sway on the couch or sit on the chair


63.  his eyes open, peacefully gazing at mother and father


64.  or eyelids drooping, heavy with sleep


65.  the coos, chortles, and quiet "conversation" of this same boy with his mother and father

66.  his mimicry of their speech so obvious, so intent


67.  for this repeated miracle lesson about the development of speech


68.  and how we are all formed and shaped by our relationships, within family


69.  for the wonderfully consistent love and provision and nurture my parents gave me


70.  and its doorway to healthy personality and trust in a God who Loves

Where in the World...? One

Hide and seek is a popular game with our grandchildren.  Reading - or more accurately "studying" Richard Scarry books (or other books illustrated with a great deal of detail that enhance learning about our world) is a past-time loved as much by Isaac and Eli as it was by their dad.  Instead of simply reading the story, the adult reader finds tiny details in the story for the child to search for - like "where's the pickle on this page?" or "who can find someone who is spilling something?"


I thought it might be fun to play another blog game called "Where in the world is Sandy's camera?"  I will post several pictures without telling you where they were taken.  You post a comment with your guess.  If a few guesses come in but they are incorrect, I will give a hint or hints as needed.  

Anyone may guess, but I will require more detailed answers from those who live in the area where the photos are taken.  If we have fun with the game, perhaps I'll try posting the gps coordinates with the answers  so you can find the exact spot on google earth or attach a linky tool for blog readers to post their own photos for us to identify.

I will try to post a variety of photo challenges, with some from other locales and some that have already been identified in this or other blogs.   Ok, here are your first three to guess - #s 1-1, 1-2, 1-3.  Questions are allowed.  Have fun!

Seasons of Service

Elisabeth Elliott's book, "These Strange Ashes", about her first year of missionary service, has stayed with me for many years after I read it.  Elisabeth spent her first term of service living with "an unreached tribe" attempting to codify their spoken language into a written language for purposes of fostering literacy and translation of the Bible into their tongue.  After more than a year of working diligently on the project ALL her language work was irretrievably lost.


I was already familiar with the story Elliott told in her most well-known book, "Through Gates of Splendor" about the murder of her husband, Jim Elliott, and several other men, as they attempted to befriend a remote tribe of people, and her subsequent story of remaining for many years, with her children, to continue to get to know that tribe of people and introduce them to Jesus Christ.


It is not difficult to call the loss of the young husbands and fathers a sacrificial service that resulted in great blessing when one looks through the window provided by the results of her subsequent years of friendship with and service to the tribe.  But "These Strange Ashes" is Elisabeth's reflection on the meaning and purpose of the loss of her entire year of literacy work.   


I can't remember whether a storm or fire or something else destroyed her work, but I do remember that her story and her reflection left me feeling unsettled and dissatisfied.  I wanted life to be explainable if not predictable, and to be able to clearly see and name God's movement and purposes in our lives.


Over the past few years I've spent an inordinate amount of time reflecting on the people, motivations, and results of my four decades of service to God and "the bride of Christ", the church, looking for possible purpose and meaning.  I have been sifting fragile ashes from one hand to the other, examining what remains.  


I began this blog in the middle of that reflective season, and the blog title, "These Three Remain" hints both of my struggle to make meaning of the unknowable and my hope, however faint at that time, that faith, hope, and love are truly cornerstones of life that remain when all else fades away.


So Amber's invitation to reflect on and write about a season of service or influencing people and blessing or benefit that may have come to us through or as a result of that service has really challenged me as I've sifted the ashes of my service through my fingers.  


"Personality assessments" I've taken over the years have made me realize that "influencing others" has been a primary motivation most of my life - it's  a very strong thread in my personality, and it shows itself in my history of church service activities which focused far more on teaching and mentoring than on preparing meals, cleaning homes, or mowing lawns.  I did all those things and more as both a "stay-at-home" and working wife and mother, but I didn't routinely help people outside my family in those ways. 


I grew up in small church, so I was put to work at a young age:  helping with a weekly children's program, and annual summer vacation bible school, teaching a 3rd grade Sunday School class, singing in the choir, leading youth group activities, counseling at summer church camps, teaching sunday school to a wonderful group of middle schoolers while in college, and participating in community evangelistic campaigns.


Later, immersed in a much larger home church, I found myself discipling women on an informal individual and group basis as I continued in the church-structured activities of teaching sunday school (7th grade girls, then later 4 year old children ), teaching the Bible in vacation bible school each summer and writing and leading interdenominational women's bible studies in the community.  


I took an active role in a local women's retreat ministry for about a decade, and though I found myself locked out of the teaching structure of the church (another story for another time) I gave myself to serving in the children's wednesday night program,  singing in the choir, chaperoning field and camping trips, counseling at youth camp, and praying on a very regular basis for my church's leaders, people, and programs.


When I was locked out of the teaching leadership structure after 20 years of teaching, I turned to intercessory prayer (praying for and on behalf of others) as an alternate avenue of "using my life to influence others for God and Truth".  


At first I prayed mostly for my church, on my knees in the tiny prayer room or face down in the sanctuary on weekdays, and tucked away in a less traveled hallway on Sunday mornings.  After awhile, I began meeting regularly with others for the purpose of prayer; sometimes to support interdenominational organizations and efforts in the community, other times to encourage individuals in their prayer life.  


I took to "prayer- walking" not only on my mega church and christian school campus but also in neighborhoods and on busy city streets in my community, often bringing partners along to walk and pray with me for God's blessing for the people, neighborhoods, churches and cities through which we walked.  


For several years when I did not have to work outside the home, I prayed with someone, morning and afternoon, five days a week.  I heartily believed God would intervene in the affairs of men and influence lives as a result of our prayers.


Trying to complete the many "faith assignments" I felt God had for me was usually intuitively and intellectually fulfilling but it was also very challenging emotionally.  At times I risked damage to my reputation or rejection and loss of treasured relationships in order to pursue "the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" (Phil 3:8).   


For as long as I can remember I have had a major pride problem.  During the years of intense prayer and mentoring activities, I battled pride on a daily basis, asking God to root it out in me, expose it and help me to confess it to others and turn from it.   


So it may be no coincidence that looking back these past few years at the "results" of my decades of service  has seemed more an act of "sifting through ashes" than rejoicing over visible results.   For quite a few months I felt like my decades of service to "the church" had been a colossal mis-use of my time and resources.   


During this season of my life of withdrawal from "church" activities, I have focused on giving simple life-sustaining gifts to my family: preparing many nourishing meals, caring for children, painting and planting, and offering stressed and weary parents moments of respite and a  welcoming home where each person is accepted, respected and loved.  


I've returned with new emphasis to this service that is so very physical and largely restricted to my family mostly because we simply needed it to survive and overcome the challenges we faced, and also because it provided a "quiet" backdrop of work for me to address the unanswered questions, heartache and angst about God and the church which occupied such a large portion of my heart and mind.   


As I have taken up this towel, I've experienced an unexpected new joy and satisfaction in planning and preparing appealing,  wholesome meals as well as surprise that a meal that takes 5 hours or more to prepare will often be dished out and consumed by 8-12  people in less than 15 minutes.  I've experienced a body weariness that clamors for rest long before the day is done, and fed my appetite for learning as I've devoured books and lectures about nutrition, fitness, the brain, and personality development.


In order to serve my family in this way, I've exchanged personal activities and goals I'd looked forward to accomplishing during this "empty nest" season for more cooking and cleaning and childcare.


But I've also tasted recurring delight as I experience anew the wondrous world with and through my grandchildren; reading marvelous books, cooking, baking, working and laughing together; exploring the great outdoors and its many inhabitants in yard, park, and beach; getting messy with mud and paint and glue, playing every ball game imaginable, struggling to communicate with my "special needs" granddaughter, and answering 387 questions a day.


I realize that I've been breaking the commonly taught rules for spiritual health by refusing involvement in the "messy Christianity" within the organized church during these recent years. 


I realize with a clarity I lacked in my younger years just how far I am from loving others as God loves.   


But after 35 years of intensive service to the organized church, investing my energy, gifts and love in that community (and the world through my intercessory prayer and our financial giving),  I am content with this towel and this bowl for now. 


I do not shy from truthful answers or cringe in guilt when I face the questions and responses from extended family and friends about my lack of involement in the organized church.  


For this season, my "family church" has provided more than enough opportunity to practice forgiveness and model imperfection, more than enough pain to stretch my heart, more than enough heartache to keep me on my knees crying out for mercy and grace, and more than enough joy and blessing to keep me lifting my voice in praise to the God who is Love.

A Lifetime of Giving Thanks

                                                        
  





One of the joys (and there are many) of my life in this season as a mother-in-law, has been watching each of my daughters-in-love cultivate the discipline of intentional gratitude in their lives and the lives of their children.  I see it in lists on their walls and blogs, in creative yet simple thank you notes with the children, and hear it from their lips.  It gives me joy because thanksgiving has made such a huge difference in my life. 


Looking back over these past almost 35 years of living, loving, and learning with my husband and family, I think intentional thanksgiving would make my top 3 list of "it-has-changed-my-life-time-and-time-again" disciplines.  Deliberately expressing gratitutde for the big and small gifts and challenges in my life has gotten me out of a funk, out of a negative, complaining or self-centered attitude more times than I can rememember.  Thanksgiving has broken through at times when all other mental gymnastics proved powerless.  Thanksgiving: It does a body good.


I realized when Amber began posting her deliberate thanksgiving on her blog a few weeks ago, that it was probably time for me to move back into the discipline of frequent, deliberate thanksgiving instead of waiting for it to overtake me with joy.  So I am beginning today to keep my word  to join the Multitude Monday community.   


I am so grateful:
1.  for life...multitudes of people do not make it to 55.  I am thankful for abundant health.

2.  for my husband...he has continued to love me through all the seasons of our 35 years of marriage


3.  for my two grown sons...they are wonderful men and husbands and fathers...and it is  such fun to getting to know them in this season as "friend" in addition to "son"

4.  for my two beautiful, intelligent, and loving daughters-in-law....it is such a delight getting to know them, and they are both teaching me things and expanding my view of the world through their unique views, gifts, and skills

5.  for my four grandchildren....for the health they (and we) have, for the joy and learning they bring to our lives

I am so grateful:
6.  to have been born in this great country, with all its freedoms and promise and people
7.  to have been born to incredibly loving and nurturing parents
8.  that my parents moved to Florida in my childhood, 
9.  and for all the opportunity of a new life that came our way with their move
10. for the church family that welcomed and nurtured me and my family all the rest of my childhood and youth, for the strong foundation of belief and trust that was laid


I give thanks:
11.  for the safety I had growing up...I never feared that my parents would hurt me or neglect to feed me


12.  for living in a place of abundant sunshine 
13.  and green growing things


14.  and tropical plants wearing such glorious foliage of outrageous colors 


15.  that I live so close to the beach I can be there in 20 minutes by bike

I am grateful:
16.  for my bicycles
17.  for the Pinellas trail
18.  for bike lanes on the beach
19.  for padded biking shorts for those long rides
20.  for moisture-wicking exercise wear that I come close to wearing 16 hours a day during this menopausal season of life


I am thankful:
21.  for the legacy of a gentle heart and contented spirit from my father...somehow he managed to sidestep the alcoholism that had cornered his father and replace it with gentle patience


22.  my mother, also, modeled contentment, gentleness and patience with us 


22.  for the gift of opening our eyes to appreciate beauty from my parents by continually taking us to parks, walking trails with us, pointing out things of wonder in nature


23.  that I live now within a half mile from a wonderful park


24.  for the amazing abundance and variety of birds in my area...one of these days I will do a post of just bird pictures

25.  for the tadpoles that grew to froghood in my front porch fountain this past month

I am so grateful:
26.  that I can read...my life has been immeasurably enriched
27.  that I have had the chance to read so many amazing books
28.  that biographies and memoirs have opened my eyes to see the world from others' eyes
29.  for computers and 
30.  four-in-one printers and
31.  digital cameras and
32.  amazing software and
33.  cell phones (even though my husband insists he can never reach me when he needs me)
34.  the world-wide web with all the innovation and staying in touch and sharing of knowledge it has spawned
35.  for the blogosphere...so much to learn, so many people to enjoy